Friday, October 2, 2015

“What Happens to Unwanted Gluten?” By Big Jim Williams

As a published author I usually rise before sunup, coffee in hand, and, slouched in my old bathrobe and slippers by my computer, try to think of something to write. However, my creative mind is easily sidetracked into non-creative areas where I…
Wonder what happens to all the gluten they removed from “Gluten Free” bread? Is it in an enormous landfill where all unwanted gluten goes? I hope it’s biodegradable.
Or maybe all that gluten is stacked alongside remote desert highways like mountains of old car tires?
And why is gluten suddenly treated like a freeloading unemployed relative? What did gluten suddenly do to have it torn from bread and other foods and treated like Public Enemy Number One? What’s wrong with eating Gluten? Moldy bread is not supposed to be good to eat either, but look at all the wonderful things that happened when it was turned into the life-saving wonder drug, penicillin.
And what about all that trans fat that’s removed from food? Where does that go? Is it dumped in the same landfill with the gluten?
Maybe my investigation of all this could lead to a Pulitzer Prize?
I also have the same thoughts when seeing “Less Fat,” “Reduced Fat,” or “Fat Free” listed on foods.” What happened to all that discarded fat? Is it dumped with the gluten, or sprayed on snow to make it slicker for skiers? However, I’ve never seen cans of food labeled, “Contains 200 Percent More Fat.” (I’d probably buy it if it were on sale.)
And whatever happened to all that time we kids saved when our Moms yelled:
“Hurry up, or you’ll be late for school!”
I grabbed my Roy Rogers’ lunchbox, jumped on my fat-tired bike, pedaled fast, and got to school two minutes before the first bell rang.
What happened to the two minutes I saved? Is it still locked in my third grade classroom, or did the teacher add it to her summer vacation?
Years later I could have used those two minutes to avoid missing my flight to Florida. That 120 seconds would have let me get onboard, buckle my big body into an aisle seat designed for midgets, and anticipate liftoff and my free tiny packet of complimentary pretzels. (What ever happened to free airline peanuts?)
And whatever happened to all the time I lost on the phone while hearing a recorded voice say ad nauseam, “Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
If my call were important they would have picked up the phone when I called. I got even. Called ‘em back, and when they finally answered, said:
“This call is very important to me. Please hold.”
Then I pressed the hold button and took a nap.
Don’t mess around with old writers. We’ve got nothing to lose.
And whatever happened to the hundreds of hours I lost while standing in endless lines in the Army waiting for chow, vaccinations, assignments, or more ill-fitting uniforms? One line was so long that by the time I reached the front, my military service was over and they sent me home. I loved that line.
And what about all the time lost waiting in doctors’ offices when I could be home writing the great American novel? Waiting rooms are stacked with old magazines. One doctor’s office had rough drafts of the Constitution and magazines left over from the Civil War. While waiting in one doctor’s office I read every volume of the enclycpodia before the nurse announced, “The doctor will see you now.”

I left because I couldn’t remember what I was there for.
Now I must get to writing sequels to my two novels, Cattle Drive, winner of the 2014 Peacemaker Award for Best First Novel, and Jake Silverhorn’s Revenge, both published by High Noon Press.
But I’m still puzzled: what do they do with all that gluten?

You can find the reading samples for Big Jim Williams' "Jake Silverhorn" series and his award-winning novel "Cattle Drive" here on the HHP Blog.Just look through the "blog archives" on the sidebar.

If you would like to purchase any of Big Jim's stories you can grab them in the HHP Store or go to Amazon Kindle:

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